SCAD Covering Up Sexual Assaults on Campus?

SCAD Covers Up Sexual Assaults on Campus?
Fearing another steep decline in freshmen admissions, SCAD’s matriarch and beloved ‘Dear Leader,’  has formed a workgroup to stem the rise of sexual assaults in Savannah.

Led by Dear Leader’s attorney, Regis Smallprint (North Georgia’s ‘Think’n Man’s Lawyer’) the SCAD workgroup revealed a comprehensive sexual assault prevention initiative titled: C.R.U.D. (College Rape Under-Reporting Directive) to the sleepy, disheartened Faculty.

“The committee’s focused on this issue like a wet fart on silk panties,” said Smallprint “we have secretly implemented it as I speak.”

The solution that Mr. Smallprint refers to is now the subject of a lawsuit brought by whistle-blower, Bobby Zarem, founder of the Savannah Film Festival. Mr. Zarem is suing SCAD for what he claims was his improper dismissal for reporting the sexual assault of four women on SCAD’s campus.

“Four women had come to me and said they were sexually assaulted [on campus]… I went to warn [SCAD president] Paula Wallace. She told me she was going to launch an investigation. Instead, she launched a coverup.” Said Zarem in an interview with Page Six.

“Mr. Zarem is not correct” squeaked Ms. Georgette Baxter, SCAD’s Associate Brand Manager and Student Liaison,

“Sexual assault is ugly… SCAD is pretty, it’s better if we just remove everyone involved… Poof! Pretty!”

It was not clear at publication how many, if any, students who reported sexual assaults have been ’pushed out’ of SCAD rather than having their claims investigated.

In preparation of student protests, SCAD’s Dear Leader has declared that all students are to leave their mattresses in the dorm rooms.

Any student carrying a mattress around with him/her while on SCAD property will be immediately transferred to the Art Institute of Charleston.

From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to prevent forest fires stating “the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, A university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.