Today SCAD leadership made the bold and ‘out-of-the-box’ cost-cutting moves that it is known for.Under the marching orders of Dear Leader’s new Austerity Initiative, SCAD announced today that is will replace its security force with psychics.
Kojak, head of SCAD security, announced the bold initiative from his office atop the emerald city stating, “Today SCAD boldly moves into the 13th century—by introducing the element of magic into our comprehensive security and emergency preparedness program.” The plan, according to inside sources, relies on the psychics ability to ‘sense’ danger before it happens—allowing SCAD to proactively address any potential threat, both foreign and domestic to its bottom line.
Wall street analysts are impressed as demonstrated by the sudden rise in SCADINC’s stock prices. Psychics will cost SCAD between $5-$10 per ‘building reading,’ which is a huge cost savings for the
institution compared to hiring a full-time security guard which would run the institution an estimated $250 a day. The use of psychics also allows SCAD to avoid paying additional employee costs like healthcare and retirement benefits (at an estimated annual savings to the university of over $110,000).
The Mad Turk is credited with coming up with the new cost saving scheme. “The initial idea of using psychics came to me while watching the movie ‘The Men Who Stare at Goats,’” the Mad Turk told SCAD Secrets, “Like all my brilliant managerial decisions, I was inspired while watching television.”
The Mad Turk is making quite a name for himself on the SCAD campus as a decisive, bold leader who is not afraid to try new approaches in educational management. Insiders say that the secret to SCAD’s administrative prowess is the current administration’s utter lack of educational administrative degrees. “SCAD’s administration can make these bold moves,” says analyst Robert Reportio of the Carnegie Institute, “Because they are not burdened by years of higher education management experience, or by any higher education degrees in business or educational administration.”
The Mad Turk explained to SCAD Secrets where his decision-making expertise comes form saying, “It comes from my gut,” said the Mad Turk pointing to his belly, “my gut is my guide.”
The introduction of psychic security guards is just one of the Mad Turks many institutional improvements. Other security improvements include: (1) Replacing full-time security guards during school hours with ESL students at heavily trafficked building during school hours, and; (2) Doing away with any security from 7am-5pm in SCAD buildings located in ‘safe’ neighborhoods.
Total saving costs were not available at press time, but are estimated to save SCAD well over $58,000 per quarter.
Dear Leader is pleased by the new cost savings and security updates and addressed the media from her porch at the Landings stating: “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”
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