Honey We are Shrinking the Kids! SCAD takes bold move to increase class size.
In response to the need for more classroom space generated by rising student caps, SCAD has announced its involvement in a scientific research program which tackles the issue in a non-traditional way—by dramatically reducing the physical size of the student rather than attempting to extend the space.
“It was one of the “aha” moments that we teach about in our classrooms” said Ms. Maryanne Cameltoe, director of SCAD Institutional Effectiveness, “Dear leader has, over a healthful breakfast of Low Country shrimp and grits, made a wonderful discovery. Her vision never ceases to amaze.”.
“It’s such a flexible 21st century solution,’ enthused Iva Littlebottom, Chief Admissions Officer, about the inception of the Spatial and Human Resources Invested Miniaturization Platform, or SHRIMP for short. The plan certainly turns the term ‘downsizing’, usually associated with the reduction of numbers, not matter, on its head; a point not lost on the diminutive Ms Littlebottom. ‘It’s wonderfully contradictory’, she noted, ‘ by reducing the physicality of the student, we’re actually providing more space to facilitate their work, and there’s no limit on what the future holds; one existing classroom could potentially hold thousands of students, with ample space to accommodate work of all descriptions.’
Shrinking the physical size of the student, rather than increasing the size of the classroom will provide SCAD shareholders with vast profits usually invested in real estate, infrastructure and equipment. The added benefit is in the potential for dramatic increases in future admissions intakes. “Smaller students will translate beautifully into increased admissions.” Ms. Cameltoe squeaked “SCAD is on the cutting edge here in the low country, this plan is revolutionary.”
Ms Littlebottom admitted that the 1989 Hollywood comedy ‘Honey, I Shrunk The Kids’ provided inspiration for the initial SCAD briefing, but that other proposals were also considered. ‘We did look at the architecture of livestock carrier ships for stowage capacity, but we felt that SHRIMP was a paradigm shift in tackling the problem.’
The proposed program, to be finalized for the 2014-2015 academic year, has reportedly incensed Faculty, who view the program as dangerous, with possible impending lawsuits directed at out of step Professors who(some fear will) accidentally crush their apprentices underfoot.
Such concerns were dismissed by Ms Littlebottom as overreaction; ‘It’s ridiculous, such a Yahoo response’, she said, making reference to the brutish race described in Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. ‘We have no intention of shrinking students to such proportions immediately. We’d wait two quarters for everyone to acclimate to the program. Of course the Faculty would have to initially make minor adjustments – the purchase of a magnifying glass would for instance – but we really anticipate no problems.’
Concerns about grading loads were also disregarded. ‘I think that Faculty might be surprised to discover their loads were a great deal lighter,’ she said. ‘They’d be able to grade at least 10 students at once. The works will be small, and reassuringly, produced by small minds. It’s a very efficient system on all sorts of levels; we’re definitely moving forward on this one.’
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