Dear Leader Tomb Update: Introduction of Dear Leader Land™

Dear Leader and very tall project manager pose with model of the  newly-branded Cenotaph for Dear Leader

Slowly rising like a golden planet in the center of what was once Savannah’s Forsythe Park, the 3,000-foot high granite orb is officially known as “The Cenotaph for Dear Leader”.

Within five years, it will be one of the tallest and roundest structures in the world.

When announced in the summer of 2012, the sheer scale and grandeur of the Tomb proved disconcerting for some die-hard Savannah historic preservationists who resist any kind of change even when it is good for them and any memorial in honor of a Great Leader who is far greater than they will ever be and who, unlike their own sorry lives, will be remembered for all eternity

Fortunately, after their initial outcries, none of these complainers has ever been heard from again.

Local hooligans—quite possibly the mentally disturbed former SCAD administrators who promulgate false SCAD “Secrets” in the Blogosphere have spread the rumor that the vanished critics and die-hard preservationists were actually murdered in late August and buried inside Chinese terra cotta warrior figures deep beneath the rising tomb’s foundations. But their “Secrets” are universally understood to be nothing but lies, lies, lies.  “The Truth is that they would have to be faculty in good standing to be buried there,” observed the Mad Turk while chuckling, to this reporter. “Dead but in good standing.”

[leftquote] “The Truth is that they would have to be faculty in good standing to be buried there,” observed the Mad Turk while chuckling, to this reporter. “Dead but in good standing.”[/leftquote]

“It’s a well-known fact that our Cradle-to-Grave benefits program includes Warrior Entombment for all loyal faculty in the shadow of Dear Leader’s Cenotaph. If anyone were buried here, it would be SCAD’s devoted professors who die while on…or because of their jobs…for the cause of continuous teaching that Dear Leader personifies. In both life and death, we all naturally want to be near her.”

By the end of 2012, the eight million tons of Indiana limestone and Vermont Marble required for the project should be on site in the former Forsythe Park. By early January 2013, SCAD’s project leaders anticipate the first of 3,000 Egyptian stonemasons to arrive and begin the arduous process of cutting and leveraging the layers of the Cenotaph into place without the benefit of power equipment or the invention of the wheel.

“We felt that this pre-Roman technology was essential for conveying the hand-crafted perfection of everything that Dear Leader continues to accomplish while still among us,” explains Peter Humpnstump, SCAD’s Dean of Building Arts.

As the tomb rises to its 3,000-foot tip throughout the coming years, SCAD’s generous corporate sponsors will add their own respectful homages to Dear Leader. At the Orb’s very top, the Gulfstream Beacon™ will guide incoming corporate jets and helicopters bearing prominent fashion designers and corporate sponsors towards the Chik-fil-A Ceno Port™ to be located behind sliding bronze doors at the 2,000-foot level.

From here, visitors will enter Dear Leader Land™—collaboration between Disney Imagineers and SCAD’s new Themed Entertainment Design MFA program. “We believe that theming and themed design will be one of the fastest job growth areas in the 21st century,” the Mad Turk explained. “Our Fashion Department has long worked to maintain and theme Dear Leader’s appearance for her public events…. and it only makes sense that our Themed Entertainment program should design her tomb.”

World leaders will be wowed by virtual recreations of the great events and achievements of Dear Leader’s life highlighted by the sacred moment of her discovery of SCADentology™ while on a meditation retreat in France. Spiraling down through wonders of wealth and greatness, they will arrive at the Lily Pulitzer Floral Fount™, where they will be instructed on how to make art for successful commercial applications.

Known for her modesty, Dear Leader commands a pedagogic empire that, if a country itself, would foster a GDP at #11 in the world.

From her porch at the Landings, she encouraged members of the SCAD community to avoid ostentatious displays and to enjoy life’s simpler pleasures. “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.  All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

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