If there were not already a million reasons to hate those snobs in NYC, add “Tossing Dear Leader out on the street” to the list.

Due in part to the disappointing admission numbers in Hong Kong and Savannah, Dear Leader recently traveled to visit the office of Penelope. Lambast, editor of Vogue China. Dear Leader was in NYC to offer Ms. Lambast the honor of taking the helm of SCAD’s Fashion Department worldwide. As fans and adherents of Dear Leader know, one is summoned to Dear Leader—Dear Leader does not come to you.

But, given Ms. Lambast’s global stature, Dear Leader chose to treat her as a peer.

To ensure maximum effect, it was decided that Dear Leader should visit wearing a stunning green evening gown designed by SCAD fashion undergraduate (Annette Stumpwillow of Glumpback, Texas). Dear Leader’s Makeup and ‘maintenance’ were supervised by members of the SCAD theater department, and her trip expenses covered by  Lily Pulitzer.

Months of preparation were needed for fine-tuning every detail of the presentation. When the day came for Dear Leader to emerge from her administrative ovum, the sun shown in Savannah just a bit brighter, the children sang just a little bit sweeter. “It was breathtaking,” said Hyacinth Bucket, director of public relations for SCAD, “Even the cleaning girls came to the windows and tossed rose petals from the roof of Gulfstream center onto Dear Leader wishing her good travels.”

Dear Leader’s entourage cheered as she boarded the SCAD corporate jet—destination—New York City—with hope in their chests, and confident that Dear Leader would return home victorious.

After landing in NYC, Dear Leader’s plane was met by her advance tactical team, (flown up hours earlier from Savannah). She was then carried off the plane by  muscular acolytes from SCAD’s interior design deaprtment and gently placed into her awaiting rickshaw.

Dear Leader entered New York City, with the SCAD marching band and student ambassadors performing the SCAD alma mater “Unique United”—the moving SCAD song written by Dear Leader and later appropriated by the Catholic church The spectacle was a masterpiece in motion and crowds wept along lower Broadway as the procession passed by.

When Dear Leader reached the offices of Conde Nast, she was carried up to the offices of Ms. Lambast, editor of Vogue China, and hopefully the new dean of SCAD fashion!

Dear Leader began her presentation by performing a flawless mid-Georgian clog dance (a favorite of her youth). “I have never seen her perfectly stubby feet move so quickly and with such youthful vigor,” chirped Hyacinth Bucket “It was a remarkable demonstration of her inner virility—it was very impressive!”

In the uniquely ‘SCAD Style’ that she has cultivated over the years, Dear Leader began her SCAD Fashion Department ‘Horse and Pony Show’ with—real ponies!

Each of the twelve ponies (flown in from SCAD’s equestrian center) were dressed in matching green tutus and fez caps complete with accessories that were designed by SCAD fashion department undergraduates, (and now on sale in the SCAD Shop).

It was at this point in the Dear Leader’s presentation that Ms. Lambast asked Dear Leader “Who are you again?”

The room fell deathly silent as Dear Leader’s internationally admired smile began to form a scowl, and her Savannah entourage began to whimper and squirm.

How was it that Ms. Lambast, a powerhouse in the fashion industry did not know who Dear Leader, the fashion mogul of the low country—coastal empire was?

Had Ms. Lambast not Googled “aging fashion icons” only to see photographs of Dear Leader presenting them with lifetime achievement awards!?

Had Ms. Lambast not seen Dear Leader’s visage elevated all over Savannah during SCAD Fashion Week?! (had this so-called fashion “guru” not visited the coastal empire-low-country?!)

With her great inner strength, Dear Leader cleared her perfect throat, and responded,

“I am Dear Leader, founder of the Savannah College of Art and Design, a university of creative careers. We are known globally as “SCAD’.”

To which Ms. Lambast responded “What is a ‘SCAD’? I really don’t know who you are or why you are here, you should leave now.”

Dear Leader was quickly carried, (this time by Conde Nast security officers) to her awaiting rickshaw and then whisked off to SCAD’s chartered jet to return  to her belovedcoastal empire-low country to regroup and recover.

This shocking and unfortunate incident only reminds us of the wisdom of Dear Leader and her friend and colleague Dr. Phil—both long-time survivors of  the pain that mean acts and false rumors can inflict. In their lauded publication, Lifelaws, they wrote sage advice for times like this:

…tantrums and office stress and more tantrums can become a deadly cycle. Nip it in the bud! Remember that the enemy isn’t your loved ones and devoted co-workers; it’s the outside world. So why put on a happy face for the public and a mean one for those you love the most?

We ask all faculty to please write an additional letter of admiration to Dear Leader this month and to keep Ms. Lambast’s physical safety in your prayers.

Followup: We later learned that Ms. Lambast initially believed that Dear Leader was from the Pratt Institute and that is why she agreed to the meeting. When Ms. Lambast discovered that Dear Leader was from a place called “SCAD”, a place she had never heard of, nor cared to learn more about, Dear leader was unceremoniously removed from the Conde Nast building. Such an opportunity lost for Ms. Lambast!

The current Dean of Fashion is rumored to be breathing easier after the tragic event.

SCAD FACTS: SCAD Hong Kong grew 47% last year! The student body went from 100 students to 147 students (at this rate the school should be at full capacity by 2056) SCAD Fashion Week drew more than 103 visitors from New York City last year and expects to increase this number by 47% this year.

From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged members of the SCAD community to continue to acknowledge her coastal empire—low country fashion supremacy stating “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.