In light of the poor faculty retention rate and in an effort to make teaching at SCAD more attractive to retired professionals from up North, Dear Leader has announced a new Cradle-to-Grave benefits initiative for faculty.
On advice of celebrated management gurus Crewmen, Rizzo, Underwood and Dorfman, authors of the NYT best seller “Who split the Cheese? and other asinine business metaphors” SCAD Human Resources Department has started the process of reevaluating faculty benefits by ‘working backwards.’
“Working backwards is what sets SCAD management apart from our more highly ranked competitors up North,” chirped SCAD Human Resource director Umberto Skunkbelly, “So naturally, we started with death.” With an increased teaching load and a new student cap of 30 students per course, which will take effect for the 2013-2014 school year, SCAD Human Resources expects that many long-term faculty may expire while on their feet. “It is imperative that when faculty are teaching, their minds are on their students, and not on what is to become of them in case of expiration” Skunkbelly said, “So SCAD has decided to unburden our faculty of concerns regarding funeral arrangements so that they may concentrate on providing individual, personalized, attention to each student.”
The new benefit would provide a final resting place on a beautifully manicured lawn measuring 40 acres surrounded by mules, and will be located directly in front of our Dear Leader’s new tomb at the South end of Forsyth Park.
To ensure ample accommodations for an ever thinning faculty, SCAD has taken a cue from the East (specifically the Qin Shi Huang dynasty) by interning expired faculty standing upright in terra-cotta figurines. “As they pass, so shall they rest.” said Skunkbelly in a soft, respectful tone, “and your final resting… ehr.. standing place’ would, of course, be provided free of charge.”
From her porch in the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged all faculty to continue to teach until they expire by stating “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”
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