As we all know, Dear Leader is a busy woman. Organizing little black dress exhibits, arranging horse and pony shows with Asian Vogue editors, and the continuous challenge of grooming of her vacuous, but delightfully attentive son, the heir apparent, Dear Tik.
Yet, Dear Leader also has a well-deserved dream, to be a guest on Oprah—and what better way to do so than to write a blockbuster autobiography that empowers the unemployed housewives who comprise Oprah’s main demographic?
But writing a great memoir requires, of course, that one can write. And though Dear Leader has a heroic low-country empire—building story to share, Dear Leader simply has not the time to tell her story, and as is well know, she is also exceedingly modest when drawing attention to herself.
Thus, a suitable ghost writer had to be hired to pen Dear Leader’s keen insights, musings, and of course the rise of her art school in the swamp from after school courses in art appreciation to a behemoth corporate leader in arts education.
Dear Leader had two requirements for her ghostwriter: 1) she must be an eager go-getter, and 2) she must provide the young, fresh voice that has proved so difficult for Dear Leader to capture on her busy schedule.
“We need to appeal to two distinct groups,” said Mary Dweeb, Vice president of SCAD Institutional Promotion: “Young people considering Art School—and Oprah. Our solution was right under our noses—quite literally!”
Yes, crawling on the office floor of the President’s office located at Lai Wa Hall, gurgled the solution to Dear Leader’s authorship dilemma: Little Baby Wa Wa, new born daughter of Dear Leader’s personal assistant, Maureen Makeshift.
“I was honored that Dear leader chose little Wa Wa to write her memoirs, Makeshift told SCAD Secrets, “But after all, Dear leader is known for promoting from within, no matter what your level of competency. We are confident that baby Wa Wa is the perfect choice to capture Dear Leader’s business acumen and educational vision.”
The writing schedule is grueling (and drooling) for both Dear leader and baby Wa Wa. Most comfortable speaking to children whilst they are placed in attics, Dear leader and baby Wa Wa meet each morning in the make-shift attic of Lai Wa Hall to flesh out details of the book. Dear Leader paces the floor, recounting the founding of SCAD in the late 70’s while Baby Wa Wa, crayon in hand, attentively scribbles notes.
There are tales of heroism and bravery, tales of clearing vast swaths of virgin forest to make room for SCAD’s Equestrian Center, tales of Leon Talley fighting off native tribes from NYC who dared to encroach upon her newly founded institution — tales of administrators who showed too much love for vulnerable SCAD students. No topic is off the table at this critical juncture in the story’s development.
“I don’t think I am speaking out of turn here by saying that this autobiography has Oprah Book Club written all over it!” said Hyacinth Bucket, SCAD’s Director of Public Relations, “It will be written in a voice that appeals to a younger audience; and it will be filled with tales of conquest and glory that Dear Leader is known for. Oprah would be a fool not to recognize the importance of Dear leader once this book hits the shelves!”
It is not a secret that Dear Leader considers Oprah an equal. Few, other than her close friends Leon Talley and Dr. Phil, can claim such a distinction… and it is only natural that the two should finally meet. Tik is being groomed to meet the queen of daytime talk as well. SCAD public relations department are busy at work reinventing our Dear TIk poolside at the Landings.
It is hoped Dear Leader’s book will stem the tide of shrinking enrollment numbers at SCAD’s flagship couture school in Savannah, as well as solidify its loosening grip on its Lacoste campus. When super-achievers like Oprah and Dear Leader come together, anything is possible.
From her porch at the Landings, she encouraged members of the SCAD community to purchase her upcoming book, (so as to increase its rankings on the NYT best seller list) stating that “the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”
All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within it are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.
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