Passme Spliff, Dean of the School of Fine Arts announced today that the SCAD sculpture department will be slowly phased out due to its poor integration into the e-learning campus. “We really have to start thinking 21 century,” Dean Passme Spliff said “Sculpture is just so twelfth century.”

Persons close to Dear Leader told SCAD Secrets that the sculpture department was on the chopping block because the department has not yet found any lucrative corporate sponsorship opportunities. An accusation Dean Spliff vehemently denies “We are streamlining our programs to to fit into our new Adobe Partnerships, and currently, Adobe has not introduced sculpture into its CS6 line of products.”

Old timers at SCAD tell SCAD Secrets off the record that the sculpture department phase-out is due in large part to its refusal to develop an online component for the SCAD elearning campus. They point to elearning as the primary source of Dear Leader’s personal wealth, power as well as SCAD’s tremendous financial growth over the past seven years. “We can’t create an online version of our program,” said recently dismissed sculpture chair Mike Angelo, “That is why they are eliminating our department.”

Muffy Milktoast, SCAD’s Institutional Advancement Director denies claims that sculpture online cannot be exactly the same as an on-ground course: “We have managed to squeeze all of our programs into the online space rather comfortably thank-you.”

Ms. Milktoast points to the upcoming launch of SCAD’s new online equestrian program (complete with virtual boarding for students’ horses) as proof that SCAD understands the online learning formula. “Beginning in winter quarter we will launch our online equestrian studies program, and all signs seem to point to its overwhelming success.”

SCAD Secrets will continue to follow this story as it develops.

Dear Leader spoke to the importance of maintaining programs that complement SCAD’s new  Adobe Creative Suite 6 partnership from her porch in the Landings stating, “The highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit.”

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